On Addictions:
The ache is impossibly, frustratingly familiar
The pattern is only visible in hindsight
I’m told with more therapy I’ll see it sooner
Next time
Must I do this all over again?
Maybe like
The slow burn of a cigarette
The sip of whiskey
The clock reading 0228
Him
I know this is bad for me
But the taste on my lips
The warmth that fills me from my toes to the tip of my nose
Overrides survival instincts
Another lesson?
“I wanted this one to love me”
I cry to her on the phone from the back of an Uber
“He could never love you the way you needed”
She texts me from 1400 miles away
She’s right
But like
Craving nicotine
Withdrawing after another binge
Insomnia
Him
I shake and I toil and I tell myself
Just one more time
Ten more minutes
One more sip
One last drag
Until it kills something inside of me
“Maybe I’ll feel like home to him if I stay warm”
The little girl born into chaos bargains with the universe
But the embers have cooled to black
And my bones have charred
And I’ve bared my soul to the winds and the rain and the ice and the rot
He doesn’t come back
And I’m told to rebuild
Must I do this all over again?
Flick the lighter
Open the bottle
Silence the alarm
Another lesson
Scratched into my teeth